Now this is very very funny

Discussion in 'The Bucket' started by JohnO, Apr 12, 2003.

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  1. JohnO

    JohnO Moderator

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    Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet.

    Here's what happened:
    Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.
    "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious,
    Dad. Can you help?"'

    I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and
    followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"

    Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

    "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
    "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
    cage,?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
    "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her,
    (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
    "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
    "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she
    informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

    "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
    "OH, Gross!", they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just Great!;
    what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?) We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

    "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot
    when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

    "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.
    "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

    "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the
    vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this
    boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

    The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at
    the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for
    my son to step outside.

    "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
    Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in
    labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."

    "What!?"

    "You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they
    come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... er....
    masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
    "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were
    silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited?", my wife offered.
    "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
    More silence.
    Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
    And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just... that...
    I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she
    gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
    "That's enough," I warned.
    We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the
    hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
    "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad,"
    he told me.
    "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with
    laughter.
    2 F#$%^&* Hamsters... 10 bucks
    1 Cage............... 20 bucks
    Trip to the Vet...... 30 bucks
    Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's wacker........

    Priceless!
     
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  3. Matt Rogers

    Matt Rogers Kingfish Staff Member

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    [smiley=yelrotflmao.gif]

    Please tell me this is not a true story! [smiley=tongue.gif]
     
  4. Jason McKenzie

    Jason McKenzie Super Moderator Staff Member

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    That is the funnyest thing I have read in a long time.
    Perfect Sunday morning read

    Thanks JohnO
     
  5. SaltyDawg

    SaltyDawg Plankton

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    Key West, FL,Florida
    I would say that it was a Kodak Moment. Lifes little pleasures.
     
  6. CheckMateKingll

    CheckMateKingll Feather Duster

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    Geeze,,,
    That's like a dog pumpin your leg and the red pops, you swear it cut itself,,,
    Too funny....
     
  7. karlas

    karlas Fire Goby

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    OMG [smiley=biglaugh.gif] [smiley=biglaugh.gif]

    that is just toooooo funny [smiley=crazy.gif]
     
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  9. fshhub

    fshhub Plankton

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    ummmmmm
    errrrrrrrr
    um, I thought when humans used hamsters for ummmmmmmmmm sexual gimmicks, it was kinda the other way around????
    how bout a pic, I bet that would sell big at some of theos other places on the net.

    Sorry, had to ;)
     
  10. JohnO

    JohnO Moderator

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    fshhub,

    Funny you should bring up the subject of rodents, here's another one that fits with your comment

    Direct from the LA Times:

    "In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.

    "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon', my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again,so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."

    At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tubing, igniting Mr Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."

    Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
     
  11. fshhub

    fshhub Plankton

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    I am not even going to respond, lst time I did, it got me into more of a discussion, but I have to admit, That is as funny as it is stupid.
    What idiots.

    broken nose. lmao
     
  12. Craig Manoukian

    Craig Manoukian Giant Squid

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    [glow=red, 2, 75%]First tale, if true JK, is way too funny. Thanks Johnny O!

    That second story has to be a God thing tellin the homos the whole thing is STUPID. Here here for the Darwin awards, just short of a gene pool elimination thang![/glow] [smiley=hammer.gif]

    :) ;) :D ;D 8)