Airline one liners

a.. During the "anyone caught smoking or tampering with a smoke detector
in the lavatory will be prosecuted...." spiel, a creative Southwest Airlines
attendant added., "Said individual will also be treated to a private
screening of "Gone With the Wind.......from the wing"

b.. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew,
the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and
will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

c.. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

d.. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure
as hell everything has shifted."

e.. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,
and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't
know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised."

f.. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child
pick your favorite.

g.. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
a.. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."

b.. "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop down from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before
assisting children ... or other adults acting like children."

c.. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."

d.. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
please to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

e.. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it
wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the
flight attendant's fault... it was the asphalt!"

f.. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was
really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in
your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left
of our airplane to the gate!"

g.. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."

h.. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant
came on with "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against
the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way thought thewreckage
to the terminal."

i.. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane
urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
you'll think of US Airways."

j.. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead
is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now
sit back and relax ... OH, MY GOD!"

k.. Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier. While I was speaking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of
coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my
pants!" A passenger in coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back
of mine!"