Dear Alcohol

[JohnO]

Dear Alcohol

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.

My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect
post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the
holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in
the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been
wondering about your intentions.

While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel
that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls:
While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the
suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place
after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends /
girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me
during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating:
Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a
roll kebab with chili sauce, along with two big slices of pizza and some
stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a
chili hot dog)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this
time.

3. Clumsiness:
Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to
improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me
to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks
that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front
door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore:
The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a
little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order,
but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire
day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water,
vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out
face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover
should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like
to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion
when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In
order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer
no later than Thursday 3pm(pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions &
hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.