The Afterlife

[JohnO]

An elderly couple made a deal that whoever died first would somehow come back to inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there really was no heaven.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go and, true to his word, a few weeks later as his wife sat and watched TV, she heard a ghostly voice saying, "Maude... Maude ... "

"Is that you, John?" she asked as she looked in vain around the room.

The voice responded, "Yes Maude, I've come back just like we agreed."

What's it like, John?" Maude asked.

John said, "Well, I get up in the morning and I have sex. Then I have breakfast, and after that more sex. I bathe in the sun for a while and then I have sex twice.

I have lunch, then have sex pretty much all afternoon. After dinner I have sex until late at night and the next day it starts all over again."

Oh, John," Maude said, "then surely you must be in heaven!"

Not exactly," John said. "I'm a rabbit somewhere near Dallas."

[Birdlady]

Oooohhhhh Maaaaannnnn! You do realize, that's really bad....... [smiley=joker.gif] [smiley=laughingsmiley.gif]

[JohnO]

Yep, I only tell really crappy jokes, it's my mission in life you now :-)

John

[dx7fd2]

So a cannibal goes to the meat market to buy something sumptuous for dinner.

At the market there is a special on "brains." He notices the price signs...

Carpenter Brains $1.75 a pound
Plumbers Brains $2.50 a pound
Politicians brains $225.00 a pound

He asks the shop owner about the price difference and why the politicians brains are so expensive.

The owner looks at him and says &quoto you know how many politicians it takes to make up a pound of brains"?

[dx7fd2]

THE "F" WORD:

When is @#$% acceptable?

There are only 11 times in history where the "F"
word has been
considered acceptable for use.They are as follows:

11. "What the @#$% do you mean we are sinking?"
--Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912


10. "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945


9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- Gen. George A. Custer, 1877


8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938


7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926


6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC


5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566



4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937


3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC



2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1999


and a drum roll...........! ....


1."Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing
mad."
-- Sadaam Hussein, 2003

[JohnO]

I see, competition aye:-) Trying to out crappy me with the jokes aye:-)

OK, you win :-)

Last one for me today

Two cannibals eating a clown

One cannibal turns to the other and says

"does this taste funny to you?"

John